Monday, October 11, 2010

Some deep stuff

Death and new life. These two occasions when experienced can be earth shattering but right now as I write it and as you read it, seems nothing more than entities. I dreamt of a dog, one that I’d never seen before but in my dream I knew it was mine and it was dying in my arms =*(. I don’t know why or what happened but the moment I realized it was dying I started crying … and this is how I awoke. Seems silly that I write this blog based on my dream but there’s something to be said about it.

Today after working out at this fancy gym with my cousin. I commuted on my own. With traffic the commute that normally takes a half hour took one and a half. Within that time I thought about how I can never really melt in with the place in which I was born.

I came to the Philippines because I thought I could. I mean, because I was born here I figured I could blend in and assimilate. The problem is that I can’t. I feel like I don’t belong. I feel excluded as I pretend to be from here to avoid being ripped off by cab drivers. I feel excluded when people don’t think I’m Filipino because I look different when in fact I am fully Filipino and born here. And worse of all, I feel as though I don’t want to belong to what I have seen. I don’t want to be the poor grassroots beggars on the street. I don’t want to be those ritzy people who turn their nose to poverty as they drive their fancy cars. I think the problem is that I don’t know who I want to be. I’ve tried so hard to fit myself into a culture that I can’t understand or don’t really want to tolerate with their social hierarchy


Maybe all this contemplation has been brought about because I just watched Eat, Pray, Love. It was funny because after I had enjoyed a yummy Shabu-Shabu restaurant experience at Powerplant Mall at Rockwell I proceeded to purchase a decently priced bag. And after this movie, I felt like I was on my own quest to find myself and my happiness. So maybe that is what my dream was about this morning; I was sad to be losing a part of myself.

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